Zoë sadly passed away on the 5th July 2021.
Arrival Fallacy
Arrival fallacy is this illusion that once we make it, once we attain our goal or reach our destination, we will reach lasting happiness.”
Tal Ben Shahar
Achieving something major can be like reaching the top of a summit where you can admire the view and reflect on the journey you have just undertaken: the sunny days, the rainy ones and the downright stormy ones. Sometimes there might be soft green grass under your feet or uneven rocky terrain that trips you up many times.
It can be a great relief at first, reaching the top. A celebration. But then I was lost for options and could only see a path down the hill. Tiny measured footsteps at first and then the rain, made the ground soft and I slid uncontrollably where I landed heavily in a thick muddy mess.
“Things won’t get better..”
“I’ve achieved that amazing goal, what will be as exciting as that?”
These negative thoughts began to eat away at my optimism until my weekly email of recommended blog posts to read came through. I spotted one post instantly.
“What makes depression scary is not the sadness.” – It’s the ‘hopelessness…nothing to look forward to.’
That’s how I had felt. I was usually open to feeling my emotions but I was resisting the sadness. But when I thought of the lack of hope I recently had, it all made sense.
I needed to be open to where this big goal could take me and be open to new opportunities and learning. And I felt a shift, I began feeling some hope.
A similar story on the Arrival Fallacy: https://stepheniezamora.com/2021/02/how-i-found-unshakable-joy/
Snow Photography 2021
An Inspiring Post
I love it when you feel understood, that someone has written a blog post or expressed how you feel, almost as if they are your own thoughts.
I’ve followed this blog (below) for a while and I am always inspired by Katie’s words:
Gratitude
I think we all experience difficult times in our own ways, and I think one of the main differences on how we thrive is whether we embrace gratitude or not.
I felt really down yesterday, as if the negative complainers on social media where piling on top of me. I spoke to my mum about it and later, she found some positive posts from her favourite bloggers and emailed the links to me. I was so grateful to see these surprise emails first thing this morning.
I felt like a lantern, being lit up from the inside. It wasn’t as if these bloggers hadn’t experienced any grief, obstacles and unexpected changes, as many of us had in 2020, or indeed now, but it was the fact these people were grateful for what they do have in their lives.
One blogger wanted to buy some new green and red Christmas decorations, but instead of being able to go out shopping, she baked some homemade decorations out for flour and water, letting it solidify, and painted them with her daughter in bright colours.
The other blogger loved to go swimming in her outdoor community pool, all year round. She was disappointed she couldn’t go swimming for the time being, but she had taken a photo of the pool to look at and provide her with hope that she could go swimming again when the events of the world calmed down a bit.
While some people may complain about being stuck at home for months on the end, I wonder if perhaps those frontline workers, who have probably taken on extra hours, would love to sit on the sofa under a blanket eating their leftover Christmas chocolates, watching their favourite film? Maybe they haven’t been able to do that in months the way the rest of us may have done?
We may have had a disagreement with family members and stormed off down the road during our daily walk? But then there are people who can’t even be near their closest relatives. Or maybe they have even lost some of their relatives?
Things may not be going our way at the moment, and teachers may hate online learning, but at least they have a job. Others in the hospitality industry may have lost their job at that pub they had been going to ever since they were able to drink their first pint; people may have lost their homes or that partner that they thought they were going to be with forever.
Maybe throughout the years I have subconsciously been drawn to positive writers that have overcome times of adversity when they had moments they didn’t think they would. Perhaps the majority of people who are struggling in this time, haven’t faced such trying times, relating to health, and find it it easier to use anger or rude humour to express that confusion and pain? They may victimise themselves and think “why me?”, but then again, we could be grateful that we are all experiencing some kind of pain together as a world?
I have been through a lot of unexpected, unpleasant experiences with my health over the years, but each time, even if it has taken a long time, I have been able to get through those times. And in some way, starting with those vaccines, slowly but surely we will see the light of hope getting brighter as we go along.
The Mask of Humour vs Congruence
Humour. There have been lots of videos around of people expressing their pain about the current events of the world. I think it’s good to express pain, but one thing about these videos on social media, is the fact that many people are expressing their pain through a barrier or an emotional mask. And that to me is sad.
I can see why we need physical masks to protect us from the Coronavirus, but it saddens me that many people have to wear some kind of mask to feel as though they can function in the world.
I suppose I am a person who highly values congruence. I appreciate the trust a client or a friend puts in when they come into a room and they able to remove their emotional mask that they show to the public. There is a pure, vulnerable person underneath that armour of external confidence.
There is nothing wrong with using humour to defuse emotional discomfort and as a way to connect with others who may be in similar situation, but to me, it’s just sad that barrier of humour has to be in place for a person’s emotions to be socially acceptable.
Why is it so few and far between to find people who are able to express themselves without some emotional mask?
Why are we afraid of being so vulnerable with our emotions?
I wonder whether it’s that we don’t think someone can hold our emotions for us if we open up to them. We get the “Oh everything will be fine, cheer up”, but I think what we really want is to be heard and know we are valid to feel what we feel.
Maybe humour is the only way they know for some people, to express their emotions?
I suppose there is no right or wrong way to express ourselves. I think the thing is, as long as we do express our emotions. That way we are getting them outside ourselves, rather than feeling trapped by them.
I guess for me, my way of expressing how I feel is through writing, and that might be the most nightmare kind of way for people to express themselves if they hate writing.
But as I said at the beginning, I like congruence, and it’s just painful to see that why many people may laugh at a ‘clown’, but that the ‘clown’ is so deeply saddened inside.
Clementine & the Candle
4 Seasons of Knitted Garlands
I’ve always like to knit little things. There is satisfaction in making something a little bit fiddly, but doesn’t take too long. Last year I made a knitted star to go on my Christmas tree. I thought how wonderful it would be to make a whole garland of them to hang up in my window this year. And that’s what I did.
But why just have one garland to have on display in December when I could make a themed garlands for each season?
Beginning last year in 2019, I made a lovely array of hearts and this year I made some summer favourites and autumnal leaves. Here are my four knitted seasons.
Changing Scenes of Autumn
An autumnal walk. The photographs.
Paths and Uncertainty
I think uncertainty is a theme in 2020 surrounding the Coronavirus outbreak. The way of life that we are all used to has been changed unexpectedly and has made us react in a vast range of ways. I see anger on the tv, like grown-up toddlers causing a fuss that their parents have said they have to stay at home rather than going to their friend’s birthday party, even though they could get chicken pocks.
I think the thing is, despite what we all think of the authoritative figures in society, they are making decisions based on keeping their populations as a safe and as healthy as possible even if it seems as if they are party-poopers.
My view is that the vast range of reactions as a consequence of the Coronavirus, is to do with how we deal with unexpected change and illness as individuals.
Ultimately uncertainty brings about feelings of being out of control. And how do people react when they are out of control? Sad? Angry, perhaps? It then makes sense why some people feel more content staying in their homes whilst others may feel their forced time at home is like a punishment.
Whatever people feel, uncertainty is uncomfortable and that’s the feeling we are trying to escape as soon as possible. But what if this strange time is an opportunity to become more tolerant of the discomfort and ultimately, that is what meditation is really for: sitting with our feelings rather than dulling them down, numbing them or running away from them.
I took the photo at the top of this post back in 2013. I was suffering from severe anxiety and my outlook on the world was what I have illustrated in this disorientated image. It was my Cognitive Behavioural Therapist who asked if I had tried to sit with my fears and discomfort. No, I hadn’t. I had been escaping it the best I could. But with practice and viewing my anxiety as a frightened vulnerable friend who just wanted affection, the anxiety began to dissolve.
In the latter half of 2013, I became unexpected and seriously ill, but my worry before that had been worrying about becoming unwell in the first place. So we can worry as much as we like but that won’t necessarily stop us becoming unwell.
All we can do is trust. Trust that even though we might not be able to see far head into the future as we would like to, we can see the few footsteps directly in front of us. We can choose when to wake up, what to have for breakfast and what clothes we went to put on for the day.
“You don’t have to see the whole staircase to take the first step”
Martin Luther King
Many images that depict uncertainty is often a road or a path that we cannot see the end of. I have noticed that I have taken a lot of photos and drawn a lot of pictures with curves and bends that I can’t see around, and to me that suggests that perhaps I have been trying to deal with some uncertainty around the unexpected changes of this year.
Uncertainty doesn’t just go away and it can seem bleak and black and white if we choose to see it that way. But what if we saw uncertainty with curiosity? What is around that corner? What can we explore?
It’s all about perspective.
Zoë's Creative Nook 